Who am I?

I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for the possible outcome of a complete hysterectomy but maybe that was impossible. I have spent my entire life praying for a child of my own, my ENTIRE life. Meeting and becoming friends with Kim who had Cassie and laid her in my arms gave me a small glimps at the mother I could be before she was taken back to Heaven and I will forever be thankful to God for those two short years. I was just a baby myself holding my first doll and when I knew, just knew that motherhood was I wanted for my life. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to be married to the right man, have a good stable home grounded in Christian values. Yes... I did think about things like that when I was a kid. I was a strange kid, I even over heard a few adults say so on several occassions. I was aware of the world and the things in it. I knew things kids just shouldn't know, not that anyone told or taught me those things, I just somehow knew them. I don't know why, I don't how, I just did. I was a dreamer though and the future was just waiting with all sorts of great things. I dreamed my babies, my children, my future so many times it made it all feel real to me. I didn't stop there I dreamed my entire life and could find myself spending hours in my fantasy reality, it always seemed safer to me than where I really was. I now know that reality never really follows dreams, at least it never has for me. There are MANY blessings in my life but NONE of them are what I dreamed they would be. Some are better and some worse that is the way reality works. It's not always pretty, but it is what it is. I lost myself inside my dream world, so sure that if I really believed it and prayed hard enough for it, it would all one day come true. Prayer doesn't work that way either, God has His own plans and knows what's best for us even we ourselves often don't. We may disagree with Him but He is always right and one day we will understand it all. Waking up from a dream you have been in your entire life is hard to say the least. I find myself wondering who I really am, and struggling despretly to figure out what God want's me to do here in this life. I fear that I am missing His message for my life, how He wants me to use my abilities to further His purpose. I mourn my dream babies deeply, the lives they will neverr eally have.They are still part of my heart no matter how unreal they may have been to everyone else. I don't know why God has chosen me for such challenging test of faith but I thank Him and I adore Him. I must be pretty special to be chosen to endure such sacrifices and still be able to say, I know my Lord and Saviour, I know He has a plan, I know He loves me and I know He understands my pain. I know I will get my reward in Heaven and it really WILL be far better than any dream I could ever dream. In the mean time I find myself going in circles wondering who I am and praying I make it through the whirlwind, it's dizzying.