Wow, I recently came across a box that I had stored away some time ago that is full of things I had kept involving our journey through infertility treatments. It holds everything from empty prescription bottles, ovulation test kit boxes, pregnancy test boxes; to a calendar of so called “fertile” days, pamphlets and books and includes a very emotional letter addressed to the dream child all the other junk was supposed to help create. I don’t even remember what all is written in that letter and I haven’t had the heart to open it much less read it. The pain is still too fresh, a lifelong dream is dead and my heart is still breaking.
I am able to put on a good show of strength for others when necessary but ultimately it’s like a fire raging in my veins and it’s excruciatingly painful, especially through the holidays. Christmas is so much a child’s holiday and Thanksgiving is all about family and thankfulness. It is extremely impossible to avoid social situations that feel like hundreds of knives stabbing into my heart. I love the babies and children in our family tremendously and want so much to enjoy them but I find myself being torn to shreds when I see them or even hear stories about them. Then I feel selfish and mean for feeling that way and a cycle of guilt pounds my brain until I’m just too exhausted to even sleep properly.
Some days I can’t even cry when I need to. I will feel the tears behind my eyes begging for release but my eyes refuse to give them up. A nagging voice in my head mockingly reminds me that I should be happy… at least I held an angel once even if her time here was far too short. The thing is holding that angel gave me a feel for Heaven and my arms ach for that feeling again. How do you explain to your arms that Heaven must wait? How do you explain it to your heart?
What’s worse is that I know I’m not the only one hurting from this. Robb is strong and his pain rarely shows but I’ve seen it and we have discussed it many times. He is mourning too and I don’t feel like I’m able to support him through his grief as well as he deserves because he is always so busy being strong for me. We have both shed our tears but his emotions are so much more controlled than mine. It breaks my heart to see him in pain and I know it does him to see me this way. We are broken and healing takes such a long time.
There are those who think we should just be over it by now, after all it’s not like we REALLY lost a child or anything right? Maybe we “should” be over it but it’s just not that simple, to us we did lose a child, we lost several all at once. They may have been dreams but they were ours and they were part of who we are. I know that may sound crazy to some of you but feelings aren’t always logical and there can be no scheduled time limits on grief.
Robb and I both have a strong faith so I understand that God has a plan for us, that we are just being tested and ‘seasoned’ as some call it. Still sometimes my strength fails me and I stumble. It may not seem like such a heavy cross to others on the grand scheme of things but it certainly is an exhausting trial from my perspective. Thankfully God is faithful; he will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. We will endure and our reward will be worth it all some day soon.
But for now I have to decide what to do with that box of shattered dreams. I thought about burying it in a little personal funeral ceremony (you know … like burying my dream babies), perhaps that would give me some closure; but part of me feels like that is just TOO morbid and insane. Maybe I should just toss it and be done with it.
Psalm 119:28 NIV
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Childless woman's dream
I can see you,
but I cannot touch.
There is the hug
that I want so much.
The shock of hair
curled and brown.
If I picked you up
I'd never let you down
In dreams at night
when we meet this way
I feel fulfilled
and we sit and play.
And you and I
are the only two
That know about
this rendezvous.
(Author Unknown)
but I cannot touch.
There is the hug
that I want so much.
The shock of hair
curled and brown.
If I picked you up
I'd never let you down
In dreams at night
when we meet this way
I feel fulfilled
and we sit and play.
And you and I
are the only two
That know about
this rendezvous.
(Author Unknown)
Some Dreams Just Don’t Come True
Leanne S. Pippin ©Copyright 2010
Every child dreams of growing up,
Imagining what will be.
Will they be a superstar, a fireman,
Or sailor of the sea?
Some dream of glamour.
Some dream of fame.
Every dream is different,
For no child is the same.
My dreams seemed so simple
When I was still so small,
I was certain that in time
I would achieve them all.
But dreams are sometimes fickle;
As slippery as a peel,
And often leave you traveling
Without a steering wheel.
I never dreamed of stardom,
Or sailing on the sea.
Fires were far too scary
And glamour’s not for me.
I dreamed I’d be a mother
Like those who came before;
And carry on a legacy
From the families of yore.
But fate it seems has other plans
And dreams mean ought to him.
For time passes quickly
And chances become slim.
Some people take for granted
The lives within their care.
And really can’t imagine
A world without them there.
There’d be no smiles or giggles,
No cuddles in the chair.
No one to call you “Mommy” ("Daddy")
No favorite teddy bear.
There’d be no birthday parties,
No sticky faces to clean.
No drawings on the refrigerator;
Or treats on Halloween.
You’d never get to watch them grow
Or guide them along the way.
You’d never get to teach them
How important it is to pray.
I’ve been told that I’m lucky
“Children only break your heart.”;
“This world’s no place to raise a child.”
I’ve been told “I must be smart.”
I don’t want hear those things
So forgive me when I say
“How insensitive of you,
I don’t see things quite that way!”
So please don’t try to tell me
That I’m better off this way
I’ll never be convinced
You believe all that you say.
I know that you may mean well
And only wish to ease my mind
But a hug would do much better
Than all those words combined.
I’ll never be a mother
My family branch ends here.
There’ll be no one to follow
That much is now so clear.
I dreamed I’d be a mother
I never had a clue,
No one had ever told me,
Some dreams just don’t come true.
Every child dreams of growing up,
Imagining what will be.
Will they be a superstar, a fireman,
Or sailor of the sea?
Some dream of glamour.
Some dream of fame.
Every dream is different,
For no child is the same.
My dreams seemed so simple
When I was still so small,
I was certain that in time
I would achieve them all.
But dreams are sometimes fickle;
As slippery as a peel,
And often leave you traveling
Without a steering wheel.
I never dreamed of stardom,
Or sailing on the sea.
Fires were far too scary
And glamour’s not for me.
I dreamed I’d be a mother
Like those who came before;
And carry on a legacy
From the families of yore.
But fate it seems has other plans
And dreams mean ought to him.
For time passes quickly
And chances become slim.
Some people take for granted
The lives within their care.
And really can’t imagine
A world without them there.
There’d be no smiles or giggles,
No cuddles in the chair.
No one to call you “Mommy” ("Daddy")
No favorite teddy bear.
There’d be no birthday parties,
No sticky faces to clean.
No drawings on the refrigerator;
Or treats on Halloween.
You’d never get to watch them grow
Or guide them along the way.
You’d never get to teach them
How important it is to pray.
I’ve been told that I’m lucky
“Children only break your heart.”;
“This world’s no place to raise a child.”
I’ve been told “I must be smart.”
I don’t want hear those things
So forgive me when I say
“How insensitive of you,
I don’t see things quite that way!”
So please don’t try to tell me
That I’m better off this way
I’ll never be convinced
You believe all that you say.
I know that you may mean well
And only wish to ease my mind
But a hug would do much better
Than all those words combined.
I’ll never be a mother
My family branch ends here.
There’ll be no one to follow
That much is now so clear.
I dreamed I’d be a mother
I never had a clue,
No one had ever told me,
Some dreams just don’t come true.
Who am I?
I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for the possible outcome of a complete hysterectomy but maybe that was impossible. I have spent my entire life praying for a child of my own, my ENTIRE life. Meeting and becoming friends with Kim who had Cassie and laid her in my arms gave me a small glimps at the mother I could be before she was taken back to Heaven and I will forever be thankful to God for those two short years. I was just a baby myself holding my first doll and when I knew, just knew that motherhood was I wanted for my life. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to be married to the right man, have a good stable home grounded in Christian values. Yes... I did think about things like that when I was a kid. I was a strange kid, I even over heard a few adults say so on several occassions. I was aware of the world and the things in it. I knew things kids just shouldn't know, not that anyone told or taught me those things, I just somehow knew them. I don't know why, I don't how, I just did. I was a dreamer though and the future was just waiting with all sorts of great things. I dreamed my babies, my children, my future so many times it made it all feel real to me. I didn't stop there I dreamed my entire life and could find myself spending hours in my fantasy reality, it always seemed safer to me than where I really was. I now know that reality never really follows dreams, at least it never has for me. There are MANY blessings in my life but NONE of them are what I dreamed they would be. Some are better and some worse that is the way reality works. It's not always pretty, but it is what it is. I lost myself inside my dream world, so sure that if I really believed it and prayed hard enough for it, it would all one day come true. Prayer doesn't work that way either, God has His own plans and knows what's best for us even we ourselves often don't. We may disagree with Him but He is always right and one day we will understand it all. Waking up from a dream you have been in your entire life is hard to say the least. I find myself wondering who I really am, and struggling despretly to figure out what God want's me to do here in this life. I fear that I am missing His message for my life, how He wants me to use my abilities to further His purpose. I mourn my dream babies deeply, the lives they will neverr eally have.They are still part of my heart no matter how unreal they may have been to everyone else. I don't know why God has chosen me for such challenging test of faith but I thank Him and I adore Him. I must be pretty special to be chosen to endure such sacrifices and still be able to say, I know my Lord and Saviour, I know He has a plan, I know He loves me and I know He understands my pain. I know I will get my reward in Heaven and it really WILL be far better than any dream I could ever dream. In the mean time I find myself going in circles wondering who I am and praying I make it through the whirlwind, it's dizzying.
A little (ok a lot) about what is going on with me.
Most of you already know that I have been struggling with mounting health problems for the past several years but many of you still don’t understand exactly what I’m facing each day. So I have decided to follow my cousin Kristi’s lead and explain it all here.
Every since I was around 13 years of age I have struggled with mysterious fainting spells that sometimes lasted up to two hours. Doctors couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with me or why I was continuously having these episodes. Over the years the spells progressed and I would have them more frequently. Test after test was done and different medications were tried to no avail, until in early 2004 I was FINALLY diagnosed with a rare form of epilepsy that would continue to increase as I aged if something wasn’t done. I now take an anti-seizure medication that mostly controls those episodes, though still not entirely.
I thought epilepsy was the worst of my troubles until in mid summer of 2006 I began suffering from minor aches in a few of my joints. I thought at first that I had been overworking myself and passed it off to getting older. When the pain begin to increase and started affecting several other joints I started to worry. I didn’t have health insurance and we were struggling financially at the time so I didn’t immediately seek a doctor. By February of 2007 I was in so much pain that I could barely move and when I did it was excruciating. Every joint in my body were inflamed, swollen and bruised and I had lost all ability to even dress myself. I was completely bed bound and even just lying in bed was painful. I barely slept and nothing I took for the pain helped.
I finally called and begged the health department to help me. I was nearly hysterical and was sobbing pathetically as I explained to the health department nurse that I didn’t know how much more I could take but I didn‘t have the money to pay. They agreed to see me but could do little. They did blood test and discovered that my white blood cell count was through the roof and I had a lot of sediment or ‘trash’, as they called it, in my blood but they didn’t know why. They could clearly see the swelling in my joints and could tell that I had severely limited mobility. I frequented the health department for test but they are unable to give out strong pain medications so I had to continue in pain for nearly year as my condition just got worse and worse. Ultimately in the end they had to send me to the hospital emergency room because their hands were tied and they didn’t know what else to do. Of course that didn’t go well and the medical bills just kept mounting.
After nearly a year and half of being bed bound and in excruciating pain I was FINALLY sent to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me as having a severe auto-immune disorder called psoriatic arthritis. It is extremely rare for someone to have such a severe case of it as I do, especially as young as I am. Leave it to me to have ANOTHER rare condition!
Psoriatic arthritis is often proceeded by a serious skin condition called psoriasis which I have on my scalp and forehead. I had had mild cases of it since I was teen but never anything like I have now. Psoriasis is marked by a rapid buildup of rough, dry, dead skin cells that form thick scales. The arthritis that occasionally follows someone with psoriasis causes severe pain and stiffness in the small bones and joints. Both are autoimmune problems - disorders that occur when the body’s immune system, which normally fights off infections, begins attacking healthy cells and tissue. The abnormal immune response causes inflammation in the joints as well as the overproduction of skin cells
What are the odds I would have a rare form of epilepsy and severe psoriatic arthritis?
Well here is yet another rarity…
A very small percentage of the people who get psoriatic arthritis, myself included, have what is called arthritis mutilans - a severe, painful and disabling form of the disease. Over time, the mutilans are and will continue to destroy the small bones in my hands and feet, especially my fingers and toes, and will lead to permanent deformity and disability.
To add to all that Psoriatic arthritis is a systemic rheumatic disease that can also cause inflammation of the body tissues away from the joints other than the skin, such as the eyes, heart, lungs and kidneys. There is as of yet no cure for it, only treatments.
So anyway after the diagnosis the doc put me on a low dose of chemo in order to try and kill off some of my immune system so that there would be less to attack me. For nearly another full year I was on chemo alone for treatment and it had little success unless thinning my hair was the plan. The doc finally decided to get me on Humira along with the chemo. The Humira allowed me to move again, though it didn’t completely make me better. For once in over two years I could sleep properly again, and could do a few things on my own again.
Humira which is an injectable medication that I have to have every other week also kills my immune system. So I have to take more precautions to keep from getting an infection that someone with a normal immune system might. So when I developed a kidney infection last November I had to stop taking both the chemo and the Humira in order for my body to heal. Without the meds, my bones once again begin to get worse but there was nothing I could do to stop them.
I have since begun my injections again, I restarted them six weeks ago. They haven’t had a lot of time to get kicked in real well again, but I keep hoping. I have not currently restarted the chemo because my husband and I had wanted to try for a baby again but I may have to have chemo soon for other reasons, which I will explain later.
On top of all my other medical conditions I have what is called PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know many of you ladies have a form of it yourself. There are so many symptoms to PCOS that I wont go into all of them here but I will say that I have had it bad and it has most likely destroyed my fertility. Because PCOS affects the endocrine system which in turn controls nearly all the hormone levels in the body, the hormones that regulate the female reproductive cycle gets off balance. Because I have had irregular cycles for years my uterine lining became too thick and painful cyst developed on my ovaries. A thickened lining can cause uterine cancer and apparently in my case it has.
I was recently diagnosed with uterine cancer and told that the best option was to have a complete hysterectomy but because I am still of child bearing age and my husband and I so desperately want a child we have decided to try and save my uterus. We were told that it was possible that an aggressive hormonal therapy could save my uterus for at least a short window of time in order for us to put in one last effort to conceive. In most cases there is a 30 to 50 percent success rate with hormonal therapies, not the best odds be we were willing to risk it. The odds of the cancer recurring are extrememly high and is it often more aggressive.
We have undergone fertility treatments in the past with no success but were prepared to try some stronger methods, including the possibility of invitro-fertilization.
The problem now is that I had an appointment with an oncologist Tuesday and during that visit the doctor discovered a large, mysterious mass behind my uterus that isn’t supposed to be there and now things are on hold until we know what that is and what needs to be done. I have an ultra sound scheduled for Monday of next week. The doc said it is possible that I have ovarian cancer as well as uterine cancer and in that case I could lose it all and have to undergo radiation and chemo.
I am not telling this story for sympathy, I am telling it so you all will know why some days I am too sick to get on the computer and I miss a lot of family gatherings. I may struggle physically but my life is great in other ways. I have my God and my wonderful family. I have my amazing husband who came as a package with another wonderful family and I love them all dearly. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I attend a fantastic church full of loving, caring people and I still have my mind, what‘s left of it. :c) So my life really is MUCH better than it sounds in this note. I’m not complaining, or least I’m trying not to, I am just informing. :cD
Every since I was around 13 years of age I have struggled with mysterious fainting spells that sometimes lasted up to two hours. Doctors couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with me or why I was continuously having these episodes. Over the years the spells progressed and I would have them more frequently. Test after test was done and different medications were tried to no avail, until in early 2004 I was FINALLY diagnosed with a rare form of epilepsy that would continue to increase as I aged if something wasn’t done. I now take an anti-seizure medication that mostly controls those episodes, though still not entirely.
I thought epilepsy was the worst of my troubles until in mid summer of 2006 I began suffering from minor aches in a few of my joints. I thought at first that I had been overworking myself and passed it off to getting older. When the pain begin to increase and started affecting several other joints I started to worry. I didn’t have health insurance and we were struggling financially at the time so I didn’t immediately seek a doctor. By February of 2007 I was in so much pain that I could barely move and when I did it was excruciating. Every joint in my body were inflamed, swollen and bruised and I had lost all ability to even dress myself. I was completely bed bound and even just lying in bed was painful. I barely slept and nothing I took for the pain helped.
I finally called and begged the health department to help me. I was nearly hysterical and was sobbing pathetically as I explained to the health department nurse that I didn’t know how much more I could take but I didn‘t have the money to pay. They agreed to see me but could do little. They did blood test and discovered that my white blood cell count was through the roof and I had a lot of sediment or ‘trash’, as they called it, in my blood but they didn’t know why. They could clearly see the swelling in my joints and could tell that I had severely limited mobility. I frequented the health department for test but they are unable to give out strong pain medications so I had to continue in pain for nearly year as my condition just got worse and worse. Ultimately in the end they had to send me to the hospital emergency room because their hands were tied and they didn’t know what else to do. Of course that didn’t go well and the medical bills just kept mounting.
After nearly a year and half of being bed bound and in excruciating pain I was FINALLY sent to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me as having a severe auto-immune disorder called psoriatic arthritis. It is extremely rare for someone to have such a severe case of it as I do, especially as young as I am. Leave it to me to have ANOTHER rare condition!
Psoriatic arthritis is often proceeded by a serious skin condition called psoriasis which I have on my scalp and forehead. I had had mild cases of it since I was teen but never anything like I have now. Psoriasis is marked by a rapid buildup of rough, dry, dead skin cells that form thick scales. The arthritis that occasionally follows someone with psoriasis causes severe pain and stiffness in the small bones and joints. Both are autoimmune problems - disorders that occur when the body’s immune system, which normally fights off infections, begins attacking healthy cells and tissue. The abnormal immune response causes inflammation in the joints as well as the overproduction of skin cells
What are the odds I would have a rare form of epilepsy and severe psoriatic arthritis?
Well here is yet another rarity…
A very small percentage of the people who get psoriatic arthritis, myself included, have what is called arthritis mutilans - a severe, painful and disabling form of the disease. Over time, the mutilans are and will continue to destroy the small bones in my hands and feet, especially my fingers and toes, and will lead to permanent deformity and disability.
To add to all that Psoriatic arthritis is a systemic rheumatic disease that can also cause inflammation of the body tissues away from the joints other than the skin, such as the eyes, heart, lungs and kidneys. There is as of yet no cure for it, only treatments.
So anyway after the diagnosis the doc put me on a low dose of chemo in order to try and kill off some of my immune system so that there would be less to attack me. For nearly another full year I was on chemo alone for treatment and it had little success unless thinning my hair was the plan. The doc finally decided to get me on Humira along with the chemo. The Humira allowed me to move again, though it didn’t completely make me better. For once in over two years I could sleep properly again, and could do a few things on my own again.
Humira which is an injectable medication that I have to have every other week also kills my immune system. So I have to take more precautions to keep from getting an infection that someone with a normal immune system might. So when I developed a kidney infection last November I had to stop taking both the chemo and the Humira in order for my body to heal. Without the meds, my bones once again begin to get worse but there was nothing I could do to stop them.
I have since begun my injections again, I restarted them six weeks ago. They haven’t had a lot of time to get kicked in real well again, but I keep hoping. I have not currently restarted the chemo because my husband and I had wanted to try for a baby again but I may have to have chemo soon for other reasons, which I will explain later.
On top of all my other medical conditions I have what is called PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know many of you ladies have a form of it yourself. There are so many symptoms to PCOS that I wont go into all of them here but I will say that I have had it bad and it has most likely destroyed my fertility. Because PCOS affects the endocrine system which in turn controls nearly all the hormone levels in the body, the hormones that regulate the female reproductive cycle gets off balance. Because I have had irregular cycles for years my uterine lining became too thick and painful cyst developed on my ovaries. A thickened lining can cause uterine cancer and apparently in my case it has.
I was recently diagnosed with uterine cancer and told that the best option was to have a complete hysterectomy but because I am still of child bearing age and my husband and I so desperately want a child we have decided to try and save my uterus. We were told that it was possible that an aggressive hormonal therapy could save my uterus for at least a short window of time in order for us to put in one last effort to conceive. In most cases there is a 30 to 50 percent success rate with hormonal therapies, not the best odds be we were willing to risk it. The odds of the cancer recurring are extrememly high and is it often more aggressive.
We have undergone fertility treatments in the past with no success but were prepared to try some stronger methods, including the possibility of invitro-fertilization.
The problem now is that I had an appointment with an oncologist Tuesday and during that visit the doctor discovered a large, mysterious mass behind my uterus that isn’t supposed to be there and now things are on hold until we know what that is and what needs to be done. I have an ultra sound scheduled for Monday of next week. The doc said it is possible that I have ovarian cancer as well as uterine cancer and in that case I could lose it all and have to undergo radiation and chemo.
I am not telling this story for sympathy, I am telling it so you all will know why some days I am too sick to get on the computer and I miss a lot of family gatherings. I may struggle physically but my life is great in other ways. I have my God and my wonderful family. I have my amazing husband who came as a package with another wonderful family and I love them all dearly. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I attend a fantastic church full of loving, caring people and I still have my mind, what‘s left of it. :c) So my life really is MUCH better than it sounds in this note. I’m not complaining, or least I’m trying not to, I am just informing. :cD
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I'm just Mad!
You know what? I just don't care! I'm mad and I'm going to say it! It's not fair! It doesn't make sence! The world makes no sence and I'm mad! I grew up believing that I was supposed to have a dream so I filled my life with them. I had lived in dreams, I believed in dreams, I had goals. I was told I could achieve anything I set my mind to. HA! What a joke! I was later ridiculed for living in a dream world, which I guess I sort of end up doing. My mistake of course. Now I have no dreams, no goals, nothing, what's the point really? They're useless heart aches really. I never wanted much out of life. I never wanted wealth, I would have been satisfied with poverty it is something I have known a long time. I never wanted fame, I'm kind of shy anyway. I never wanted a fancy career or a refined education. All I ever wanted was love, a husband and children. Those weren't three seperate dreams they are all part of the SAME dream, you can't take any part of them out and still be ok, it has to be whole to be fair! But I will never be a mother! I have the perfect husband and the perfect love but we can't make babies because I'm broken and we are poor! How is it fair that babies are born to people that don't want them and are left in dumpsters to die or are born addicted to crack or alcohol or aborted before they are even given the chance to live but we aren't even given a chance to have one?! How is that fair?! I am a Christian and I know God has his reasons, but I can't understand them. I have prayed and his answer has been NO and it hurts. Have I failed? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished or protected? It sure doesn't feel like protection! I don't like believing that God punishes us in life that way but I'm not always sure anymore. I know I should study more. I remember when I was 5 years old holding one of my dolls, I would prentend I was all grown up holding my real baby. Well that will never happen and I am so angry and sad! I find myself struggling despretly to be happy for friends and relatives who are having and adopting babies of their own. Most of me is happy for them but there is this part of me that is so bitter about my own emptiness that I can't be as happy for them as I want to be. I can barely be around them while they goo and gah over pics or the babies themselves. I'm a pathetic mess! I just sound selfish and maybe I am, I don't want to be selfish. I have always neglected myself in persuit of selflessness so I even failed at that! what rip! I can't seem to anything right! My body is falling apart, and now my mind and soul is falling apart too, great I will be in pieces soon, anyone like puzzles? Nah, Well my broom and dust pan are by the back door. So I am mad, however you want to look at it, angry-mad, crazy-mad, I'm just plain MAD!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Forgotten How to Feel Happy
Sometimes it's seems like I have forgotten how to feel joy even doing the things that used to make me feel good. I've gotten so caught up in being down lately I don't remember how to feel happy. I'm not suicidal, so no worries, I'm in for the long haul, I just may not enjoy it all. I want to be happy but I don't remember how. It seems like all of my life dreams have been shattered and are irrepairable and I have never been without a dream before. I feel lost, I have no focus, no direction, no ability, nothing to contribute. I feel like a useless lump of nothingness waisting precious air. (Seriously, I'm NOT suicidal, just a little sad!) I stay sick all of all of the time with all of the meds I am on for my illness which is still not doing well and the pain bothers me so much. I hate the way people stare at me when I'm have to go into to a public place, I feel like a mutant with no cool powers to back me up. I really don't want to go any where any more and that really includes family get togethers because I hate having to wear that goofy looking medical mask that makes my face hot. I hate doctors not listening to me or saying I can't be right only to discover that I am right when my condition becomes much worse or has damaged something else!
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