I'm just Mad!

You know what? I just don't care! I'm mad and I'm going to say it! It's not fair! It doesn't make sence! The world makes no sence and I'm mad! I grew up believing that I was supposed to have a dream so I filled my life with them. I had lived in dreams, I believed in dreams, I had goals. I was told I could achieve anything I set my mind to. HA! What a joke! I was later ridiculed for living in a dream world, which I guess I sort of end up doing. My mistake of course. Now I have no dreams, no goals, nothing, what's the point really? They're useless heart aches really. I never wanted much out of life. I never wanted wealth, I would have been satisfied with poverty it is something I have known a long time. I never wanted fame, I'm kind of shy anyway. I never wanted a fancy career or a refined education. All I ever wanted was love, a husband and children. Those weren't three seperate dreams they are all part of the SAME dream, you can't take any part of them out and still be ok, it has to be whole to be fair! But I will never be a mother! I have the perfect husband and the perfect love but we can't make babies because I'm broken and we are poor! How is it fair that babies are born to people that don't want them and are left in dumpsters to die or are born addicted to crack or alcohol or aborted before they are even given the chance to live but we aren't even given a chance to have one?! How is that fair?! I am a Christian and I know God has his reasons, but I can't understand them. I have prayed and his answer has been NO and it hurts. Have I failed? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished or protected? It sure doesn't feel like protection! I don't like believing that God punishes us in life that way but I'm not always sure anymore. I know I should study more. I remember when I was 5 years old holding one of my dolls, I would prentend I was all grown up holding my real baby. Well that will never happen and I am so angry and sad! I find myself struggling despretly to be happy for friends and relatives who are having and adopting babies of their own. Most of me is happy for them but there is this part of me that is so bitter about my own emptiness that I can't be as happy for them as I want to be. I can barely be around them while they goo and gah over pics or the babies themselves. I'm a pathetic mess! I just sound selfish and maybe I am, I don't want to be selfish. I have always neglected myself in persuit of selflessness so I even failed at that! what rip! I can't seem to anything right! My body is falling apart, and now my mind and soul is falling apart too, great I will be in pieces soon, anyone like puzzles? Nah, Well my broom and dust pan are by the back door. So I am mad, however you want to look at it, angry-mad, crazy-mad, I'm just plain MAD!

Forgotten How to Feel Happy

Sometimes it's seems like I have forgotten how to feel joy even doing the things that used to make me feel good. I've gotten so caught up in being down lately I don't remember how to feel happy. I'm not suicidal, so no worries, I'm in for the long haul, I just may not enjoy it all. I want to be happy but I don't remember how. It seems like all of my life dreams have been shattered and are irrepairable and I have never been without a dream before. I feel lost, I have no focus, no direction, no ability, nothing to contribute. I feel like a useless lump of nothingness waisting precious air. (Seriously, I'm NOT suicidal, just a little sad!) I stay sick all of all of the time with all of the meds I am on for my illness which is still not doing well and the pain bothers me so much. I hate the way people stare at me when I'm have to go into to a public place, I feel like a mutant with no cool powers to back me up. I really don't want to go any where any more and that really includes family get togethers because I hate having to wear that goofy looking medical mask that makes my face hot. I hate doctors not listening to me or saying I can't be right only to discover that I am right when my condition becomes much worse or has damaged something else!

The Magic

I remember, believe it or not, many things from back when I was still an infant in the crib. I don’t know why my long term memory is so well developed or why many say they can’t remember much before their 12th year, just that everyone is different. I do know that I have always been very aware of what is going on around me and my very first real clear memory of the crib is of my older brother, David, playing peak-a-boo with me through the bars. I don’t think I was even able to sit up yet because I never did. I am certain my mental processes were undeveloped, as of course they should have been at that age, because I remember being surprised by the fact that he could magically disappear then reappear so quickly. That magic and the possibilities behind it inspired and fascinated me and continued a process of development that all infants benefit from. I use the word ‘magic’ here not as in that which is performed by magicians, witches or sorcerers but in the sense of that which enchants or excites the mind. Where David likely thought it just amusing and entertaining to make me laugh at him, I was actually learning that there was more to life than just lying around on my back staring at a mobile or sucking on my ‘Binky‘ (a brand of pacifier). I also remember when I discovered that there was a bar missing from the side of my crib closest to the wall, and as soon as I was mobile enough I learned that if I stuck my feet through the bars and pushed, I could push my bed away from the wall just enough to climb through the bars and escape that confining world that was the ‘Baby Bed’. I was off in search of new magic and mysterious adventures and was excited with anticipation of what I might find in the bigger world which was the ‘Bed Room‘. My adventures continued as I grew and traveled from room to room, to yard, to new houses, to new rooms and to an open world called planet Earth. Life is so fascinating to small minds, why is it that as we age life no longer hold such fascination to us? Where does all that early magic really go? Is it the magic that leaves us or do we forget to see it? Does that fairy tale innocence have to be lost as we grow up? I didn’t want to grow up because most ‘grown-ups’ no longer see the magic or the magical creatures that live in our worlds. I didn’t want to live in a world that could no longer fascinate or inspire me to grow and develop. I didn’t want the monsters of my imagination to gain control. I wanted to hang on to my innocence as long as I could, but the evils of the world, circumstance and time have ways of gaining the upper hand. Yes, some of my childish fascination with life was lost and the true magic of the world is sometimes harder to find, but for me much of it still remains and I will hang on feverishly to every small grain of child like innocence that I am able to. There is still ‘Magic’ in my world and there are still new adventures to be had, new places to discover, things to be learned and new people to meet. I know far too many people who have lost their ability to see the magic and their mental development is stagnating from disuse. So many people walk around in a blind haze monotonously performing mundane task without ever seeing that fairy in the corner or that pot of gold gleaming at the end of every rainbow.

White and Black

Yeah yeah, I know ... another dark poem by Leanne. Well I do tend to write when I am feeling down and depressed or sometimes just confused and contemplative, and when I am happy I am more likely to craft or draw therefore you wont see many happy writings by me though there are a few some where.

by: Leanne S. Pippin
©Copyright 2006

What is above the clouds you perceive,
When your eyes turn toward the Heavens?
Are there rainbows and silver linings,
Like story tellers claim?

Or do the clouds just darken upon the rise,
And churn with stormy distillations?

Do the stars shine brighter in dark celestial spaces,
Like diamonds on black velvet?
Or do they fade within the shadows of a souls forgotten memories?

Do silent dreams develop within a rhythmic twinkling,
In music like a whisper through a gusty inhalation?

What feelings do you feel when all moments are lost?
Do all tears cease to trickle,
And rapture invade your thoughts?

Does every wish yet fulfilled be denied upon an instant?
And if such refusal be discharged,
Will your spirit lust for restitution?

Does your mind relax its wondering in peaceful opulence,
Or does it stagger restlessly lost in crippled yearning?

Does time create a barrier between lives once cherished,
With death become a swinging bridge across a gaping chasm?

Oh, what wonders of wondering does life create of death,
With each a hue of mystery,
Palest White,
And darkest
Black.

Bubble Wishes

Cassandra Michelle Bess

1-23-96/7-1-98

by: Leanne S. Underwood/ Pippin
©Copyright 1998

An child sits in Heaven
With bubbles all around,
Listening to the wishes
From loved ones on the ground.

For bubbles are the vessels
In which our wishes rise
All the way to Heaven
Beyond our mortal cries.

We often look to Heaven
In times of grief and sorrow,
Crying for the answers
To guide us through tomorrow.

Our wishes turn to bubbles
When tears fall from our eyes,
They drift upon a memory,
And soar up through the skies.

When the child pricks the bubbles
Our wishes she does hear.
She whispers them to Jesus,
The answers are so clear.

She smiles and says "We Love You,
The four of us, you see,
God the father, Jesus the son,
The Holy Spirit and Me!".

"We wait for you together
In this peaceful Heavenly Land,
And you'll be coming too one day,
When God takes you by the hand."

The Children's Cry

This is a very old poem, in fact it was written while I was still in high school.

by: Leanne S. Underwood/ Pippin
©Copyright 1991

In a world that doesnt know
Lies a child of four in pain,
Too poor for medicine
Her mother cries in shame.

In a world that doesnt share
A baby does cry,
Too hungry to sleep
The little one will die.

In a world that doesnt care
A little boy does dream,
Yet in his real-life nightmare
He can only scream.

In a world that doesnt hear
The cries of the children sound,
In agony will leave the children
Forever bound.

Illogical Panic

This is a stage poem designed to be acted out, so bear that in mind as you read it. It is difficult to get the full impact without the physical actions that were meant to go with it. This was part of a creative writing project that I was part of a few years ago.

by: Leanne S. Pippin
©Copyright 2006

Loneliness envelopes
A mocking echo joins its vicious game.
Surrounding shadows betrayed
By the suns lingering light.

Scattered thoughts
Fear swallows logic.
The scuffle of heels against stone and
tired raspy breaths struggle to dominate.

Thump, thump

A heart beats a rhythm

Thump, thump, thump

Faster it beats
Harder with each labored inhalation
It fights to keep up its strength.

Small drops of perspiration trickle and fall.
Tiny bumps form on sensitive flesh
The result of an afternoons failing heat.

Balance falters

Panic grows

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

Bruised and Torn flesh temporally numb

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

A soft whimper ensues.

Eyes dart swiftly from side to side
Searching the pending darkness.
Images invade the emotions,
Time slows and senses mature.

Small sounds increase to maddening volumes.
The head pounds with percussion accuracy.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

Tears obstruct clear vision
Adrenaline gives strength to aching muscles
A mind sets its sight on a glimmering light ahead.

Abused feet swiftly carry a soul to its destination.
A door opens and slams shut.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

A sudden feeling of safety

An exhausted body collapses in a heap upon the floor.
An otherwise quiet room is disturbed by
A deep exhale and a drawn out
Sigh of relief.

A heart slows its rhythm

THUMP, THUMP, thump
Thump, thump
Thump