I'm just Mad!

You know what? I just don't care! I'm mad and I'm going to say it! It's not fair! It doesn't make sence! The world makes no sence and I'm mad! I grew up believing that I was supposed to have a dream so I filled my life with them. I had lived in dreams, I believed in dreams, I had goals. I was told I could achieve anything I set my mind to. HA! What a joke! I was later ridiculed for living in a dream world, which I guess I sort of end up doing. My mistake of course. Now I have no dreams, no goals, nothing, what's the point really? They're useless heart aches really. I never wanted much out of life. I never wanted wealth, I would have been satisfied with poverty it is something I have known a long time. I never wanted fame, I'm kind of shy anyway. I never wanted a fancy career or a refined education. All I ever wanted was love, a husband and children. Those weren't three seperate dreams they are all part of the SAME dream, you can't take any part of them out and still be ok, it has to be whole to be fair! But I will never be a mother! I have the perfect husband and the perfect love but we can't make babies because I'm broken and we are poor! How is it fair that babies are born to people that don't want them and are left in dumpsters to die or are born addicted to crack or alcohol or aborted before they are even given the chance to live but we aren't even given a chance to have one?! How is that fair?! I am a Christian and I know God has his reasons, but I can't understand them. I have prayed and his answer has been NO and it hurts. Have I failed? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished or protected? It sure doesn't feel like protection! I don't like believing that God punishes us in life that way but I'm not always sure anymore. I know I should study more. I remember when I was 5 years old holding one of my dolls, I would prentend I was all grown up holding my real baby. Well that will never happen and I am so angry and sad! I find myself struggling despretly to be happy for friends and relatives who are having and adopting babies of their own. Most of me is happy for them but there is this part of me that is so bitter about my own emptiness that I can't be as happy for them as I want to be. I can barely be around them while they goo and gah over pics or the babies themselves. I'm a pathetic mess! I just sound selfish and maybe I am, I don't want to be selfish. I have always neglected myself in persuit of selflessness so I even failed at that! what rip! I can't seem to anything right! My body is falling apart, and now my mind and soul is falling apart too, great I will be in pieces soon, anyone like puzzles? Nah, Well my broom and dust pan are by the back door. So I am mad, however you want to look at it, angry-mad, crazy-mad, I'm just plain MAD!

Forgotten How to Feel Happy

Sometimes it's seems like I have forgotten how to feel joy even doing the things that used to make me feel good. I've gotten so caught up in being down lately I don't remember how to feel happy. I'm not suicidal, so no worries, I'm in for the long haul, I just may not enjoy it all. I want to be happy but I don't remember how. It seems like all of my life dreams have been shattered and are irrepairable and I have never been without a dream before. I feel lost, I have no focus, no direction, no ability, nothing to contribute. I feel like a useless lump of nothingness waisting precious air. (Seriously, I'm NOT suicidal, just a little sad!) I stay sick all of all of the time with all of the meds I am on for my illness which is still not doing well and the pain bothers me so much. I hate the way people stare at me when I'm have to go into to a public place, I feel like a mutant with no cool powers to back me up. I really don't want to go any where any more and that really includes family get togethers because I hate having to wear that goofy looking medical mask that makes my face hot. I hate doctors not listening to me or saying I can't be right only to discover that I am right when my condition becomes much worse or has damaged something else!